Mass Effect: Bad Boys style
by Firecadet
Summary: What if the entire Mass Effect series was actually a in-universe television programme? This fic attempts to answer that question. A humorous retelling of the entire saga. Shepard/Liara. Serious humour warning.
1. Chapter 1

Prologue: 2183, the Citadel, Hudson Studios.

"Look Al," Alan all but yelled at his chief producer. "I know the SPECTRE's don't go in for the sort of guns blazing mayhem they used to, but can you at least find something a _bit _more interesting than a training course on forensic accounting for the next episode? The FCC execs are going to pull the plug if we can't. And no I don't care have to make something up."

"Got it, Alan." Al replied. "There's a human SPECTRE, name of Shepard. Used to be an actor, but went into the Alliance Marines a few years before the Skyllian Blitz. He won the Star of Terra there, holding off a whole regiment of Batarian mercenaries and slavers single-handedly. Passed the N7 training course, got headhunted by the SPECTRE's a couple of years later. He just finished a six month hunt for the Shadow Broker. As you'd imagine, he didn't see hide or hair of the guy, but he must have got through at least two layers of security to get where he did, looking by the number of agents he brought in. He even fished a couple up on the Citadel, if you can believe that; three low-level confidential aides in the Presidium, and the bartender from Chora's Den. All selling information to the Shadow broker."

"Sounds like our guy. How soon can you get hold of him?"

"I don't know. Last report I got, said he was heading to Eden Prime, looking for some Prothean beacon that has apparently been unearthed. He's got another SPECTRE with him for backup, a Turian named Nihlus. Nihlus recruited him, and they've worked together regularly ever since. Not quite sure which of them is in charge any more, but apparently they've had more than a couple of enthusiastic nights out in the Wards since Shepard was recruited."

"That Saren chap you had on last week. Do you think he's still available for a hustle-up job?"

"Well, he's a couple of years away from a desk job back on the Citadel, and I guess he could see the merits of encouraging public interest in providing more funding. I'll com the Normandy, get Shepard and Nihlus on the line, since if they're up for a little bit of acting. Could you get onto the Quarians, and ask if they've got any of those Geth robots of theirs available?"

"Will do. Citadel out."


	2. Chapter 2

Zero minus three hours, SSV Normandy, on approach to Mass Relay.

Commander Shepard to the communications room, please. Commander Shepard to the communications room." Shepard didn't recognise the voice over the intercom, but he knew it was likely to be urgent.

"Looks like I'd better go, Nihlus." Shepard said, getting up from the table they were sharing in the small crew mess aboard the Normandy. "I still think it's checkmate in three moves, however."

"Hah." The Turian replied. "You've got two at best, Shepard."

"We'll see." The first Human SPECTRE responded, before slugging back the rest of his small beer and heading for the comms room.

When he got there, there was a civilian on the other end of the line.

"I'm Al Ursus." The man introduced himself.

"I know the name." Shepard said. "What can I do for the producer of Special Tactics?"

"You can agree to let us film aboard the Normandy. I understand you were once an actor?"

"I was, once. Why should I let you aboard my ship?"

"Partly because human-Citadel relations still need a boost. And because our ratings are diving like a Turian in a swimming pool. Strictly going one way..."

"Down." Shepard completed. "What will you need?"

"Access to non-classified sections of the ship, permission to bring in some extra passengers and your co-operation with filming scenes that may not bear too much resemblance to reality."

"You want to fake up some footage? You could use a computer for that."

"Yes, but we want live actors. We'll be bringing Saren with us, along with a Quarian tech named Tali, and about twenty Geth robots."

"You want me to let a _Quarian _and some armed robots aboard the most advanced ship in the alliance fleet? Are you out of your mind?"

"No, commander. The Quarian is under contract with the studio to provide appropriate oppforce combatants for filming. The migrant fleet needs the cash far more than it needs a single frigate everybody in the alliance would be trying to get back off them."

"You have a point. Very well, you can come aboard. Meet us just short of Eden Prime for link-up."

"Understood. Citadel out."

After the connection was terminated, Shepard pondered the strange turn of events, before heading back to catch up with his chess partner.

Back on the mess deck, he studied the board, lips pursed.

"You know, Nihlus, I'm almost certain your queen was on delta seven, not foxtrot eight, last time I checked. I also know my king rook wasn't on echo three. Nor was my queen on hotel three, right next to your rook."

"Are you sure about that, Shepard?" The turian replied, poker-faced. "I seem to remember you moving them there."

"Nihlus, shut up." Shepard responded, good humouredly. "I know that turians win by whatever means they need to use, but that never applied to chess at three credits a point."

"You're a cruel man, commander. Leaving your friend destitute and almost begging in the street for money..."

"Stop it." Shepard said, struggling to contain his laughter. "You haven't gone and spent your _entire _paypacket on Asari hookers again, have you?"

"Maybe." The turian admitted, sheepishly. "You know how good they make you feel."

"If director Vakarian finds out about this, he'll turn you into a handbag. With matching shoes and belt. And serve the leftovers to a Krogan."

"That is a low blow. Anyone knows a Krogan isn't stupid enough to eat a Turian. Even Wrex wouldn't consider it in a drama like Ward eighty-six murders."

"As for the subject of Dramas, we may be appearing in one. SpecTacs were my mystery caller. They want to film some scenes with 'minimal resemblance to reality.'"

"You are kidding, right? I'm a Turian SPECTRE. We can't act."

"You'll be fine. Just remember not to talk to or glare at the camera."

"Is that all?"

"It helps."

"Coming up on mass relay. Be ready back there." The ship's pilot suddenly broke in over the intercom. "Translation in three, two ,one..." the man broke off, as the sudden acceleration hammered everyone into their seats."

Calling up the external display on a nearby viewscreen, Shepard watched as the lines of a relay jump faded into a vista of a star system, with the star at the centre seemingly no larger than a egg. After several minutes, which Shepard knew from experience would have been spent on system checks and reconfiguration for real-space travel, the engine note changed from a dull throb to a louder, deeper pitched sound. They were underway.

**A/N I hope everyone has had a very happy Christmas this year. While I very much appreciate every visit to any of my stories, I would like to make a request for people to give me some nice reviews. I reply to all reviews in less than 24hrs as standard. Anyone with questions, either post a review asking them, or drop me a PM, to which I apply the same standard of turnaround time.**

**Have a good boxing day, and a happy new year**

**Firecadet**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N. My apologies for the long delay. I've been focusing on a degree module for some time, and this is the first time my muse and free time have coincided. Chapter four is already WIP.**

When the production shuttle arrived at the Normandy's RV, Shepard was waiting for them beyond the airlock.

"Welcome aboard the Normandy." He greeted the small knot of production officials and actors, along with the envirosuited Quarian. "Chief Henderson will show you to quarters."

"Thank you." The Quarian replied. I am Tali'zorah Nar Rayya."

"Pleased to meet you." Shepard replied, unsure why it was truthful. "Please try not to steal the ship."

"You humans and your mistrust." She responded, managing to sound hurt even through the respirator. "Quarians do not steal the ships of other races."

"Under article 193 of the Alliance naval articles of war, I am required to arrest any Quarian who attempts to board my ship without an invitation from a crewmember." He grinned as she shrank back slightly, suddenly noticing the two fleet marines standing behind her. He considered actually having them handcuff her, but decided against it. "However, as you are a part of the film crew, you are invited. Don't go anywhere such as the drive core or into any part of the ship not signed as public, unless you have sought permission from me or XO Presley."

"That is understood, commander. I protest the assumption of your admiralty board that all Quarians are thieves or pirates, but I will obey."

"Trust me; I know how insulting it is. It took years for them to stop questioning me if something was mislaid or stolen on base, or for that matter when I was on set after I retired from the forces."

"Oh?"

"Suffice to say I had a somewhat troubled upbringing, and joined the fleet two steps ahead of the old bill."

"I see. I hope to see you around, commander."

"Indeed." He said, before turning to the next actor in line, before blushing when he looked into the face of a female Asari he knew only too well.

-000-

2178 CE, Thessia

When a somewhat dainty knock sounded on the door of his trailer, Shepard knew exactly who it was. His co-star was a somewhat unknown Asari actress named Liara T'soni, who had landed her first major screen credit as Anya A'zure. The role made her the first non-human Bond Girl, and for some reason, she had been looking at him with what, despite the species barrier, he instantly recognised as sexual desire, even when both of them were off-screen and kicking back in the hotel bar or the swimming facility.

She was showing all the signs of a major crush, he'd concluded several days earlier. He'd also concluded it was hardly surprising for a girl as young, by the standards of her species, at barely one hundred standard years of age, as she was, to feel such an emotion, especially when working alongside the latest actor to play the most famous and recognisable role in human film history: James Bond, Agent 007. It was his third film, and had been titled, for some reason best known to the production company; "From Palaven, with love", an intentional homage to one of the earliest films in the series, starring the very first Bond, Sean Connery, more than two hundred years earlier.

It followed the same basic plot, with Bond being sent to steal a cipher machine from the Asari embassy on the Turian homeworld, with the assistance of a double agent recruited by the intelligence service station inside the systems alliance embassy, and to transport it back to alliance space, via a somewhat circuitous and questionably necessary tour of the terminus systems, apparently to avoid being intercepted and killed, while providing Bond plenty of time to enjoy travelling with a young, attractive female.

There had been an alternative title of "From Kar'shan with love", but the company had vetoed letting the soldier who won the Skyllian Blitz within five hundred light years of the Batarian homeworld. Even so, he'd had to provide a wide variety of favours to lubricate production in various filming locations, ranging from autograph sessions on Palaven, which had involved the usual Turian fan-mail issues, to a very close encounter with Aria T'Loak on Omega, in exchange for her permission to film without harassment, although he had been carrying a live clip for his sidearm, just in case things went south, the whole time they were on Omega.

When he finally worked up the courage to open the trailer door, sure enough, she was standing outside, wearing at once a full set of clothes and almost nothing. Every feature was clearly visible, right down to the small scales on her breasts, which were lighter than the rest of her body. He didn't feel uncomfortable about looking at them, since he knew Asari culture had very few nudity taboos or rules related to the expression of sexual attraction. Despite that, he reddened as the girl brushed past him, close enough to trail a hand across his waist, before it dropped lower.

"Shepard," she whispered, her voice suggesting desire and passion.

Without thinking, Shepard lent down and kissed Liara, before scooping her off of her feet and securing the door behind them. He felt like a cradle-snatcher for a moment, then she ground her body against him in a manner very suggestive of prior experience, and he just acted from there on in.

-000-

2183, SSV Normandy

As he looked into that familiar face, Shepard flushed slightly, remembering clearly that first night, and several subsequent nights, before they were both separated by new projects, Shepard heading off to film the next Bond of his eight film career as agent 007, Liara recalled by the Thessian arts committee, for a new, radical, daily program based on the human concept of the "soap opera", featuring a ridiculous series of events, with a death rate rivalling that of the pre-spaceflight classic Midsomer Murders, along with apparently random sexual encounters, somewhat impressive dialogue and acting, and a well thought out story, despite the underlying ridiculousness of the program. It had lasted for five years, before her character was garroted in a dark alley by a obsessed Krogan bouncer from the Councillor A'Vicy. She'd tired of the show, but Shepard had vanished into the real version of his on-screen life in the interim.

Without thinking, he bent slightly, before gathering her into his arms, and just kissing her, passionately, drinking in her scent, before a cough from behind her caused him to release his grip.

"Ahem. There are others waiting to board, Shepard."

"Sorry." The human replied, before turning to the speaker, one arm still around the Asari. The speaker was a large Turian, with pale green skin and navy blue face-paint, wearing a characteristic eyepiece.

"Detective Vakarian, I presume?" Shepard said, smiling at the male.

"Impressive, Shepard. You'd think I was as famous as you were, from that comment."

"Turian cop shows tend to be somewhat more popular on human ships than you'd imagine, Garrus. We like the over the top violence, the shootouts and the entertaining methods of interrogation."

"Oh?"

"Personally, I liked the pool cue one the most. I can't remember what you were trying to stop, but I think you managed to stop it."

"We did at that. I'm sure you'll recognise my partner." The Turian said, gesturing to the mountainous Krogan standing next to him.

"Ha, I like this one." The krogan commented, before holding out a hand. "Urdnot Wrex, at your service. I'm the one in charge of keeping the handbag here in line." Shepard took the massive hand and shook it, feeling the raw power in the limb and body of its owner

"Sure you are. I'm just the one supposed to stop you killing the suspects before we've interrogated them. It generates less paperwork." Garrus retorted, his mandibles flaring somewhat in the turian equivalent of a smile.

"Sure it does. I think we'll get along just fine, Shepard. Just don't get on my nerves, or we'll be finding out how good my anger management plan is." The krogan interjected, smiling broadly, before wandering off in the direction of the mess.

Behind the two was another pair of familiar faces: Kaiden Alenko and Ashley Williams, stars of a military drama about a unit on the front lines against batarian slavers. Both were veterans of several real tours of duty in the terminus systems, and on Shepard's list for ground operations where combat was likely, along with Garrus and Wrex. Liara had no military training, and he remembered, no idea of how to hold a prop pistol safely, never mind a live weapon, while Tali was a technician, with no obvious training or inclination towards violence, although he suspected her Geth could be quite useful as an attack squad.

After welcoming the pair on-board, and pretending not to notice the look that passed between them when he mentioned cabins, he turned back to Liara.

"I've been thinking about you a lot." He said. "Somehow, I can't imagine not having you out there, or in here."

"Shepard, I was younger when we were last together, less mature, less experienced. But I still feel the same way about you. I love you."

"And I love you, Liara." He said, before kissing her again. "Your assigned berth just happens to be in my cabin, by the way."

"I'm looking forward to bunking with you again." She replied, grinning, before he glanced behind her at the completely blank faced sentries.

"If either of you two mention this to anyone, you'll be cleaning weapons for a month."

"Sir." They both replied, before Shepard turned both him and the Asari around, and headed aboard.


End file.
